In a move that has sent shock waves through the world of golf, the Department of Justice today charged owners of Augusta National, Pebble Beach and a dozen other well-known courses with wire fraud, money laundering, and high treason. Players arriving for early morning tee times were confronted by yellow police tape and the sign:
"Ha ha ha! You're screwed - The Feds"
In a DoJ press release that critics described as "smug with a touch of neo-fascism," it was revealed that golf courses that enable millions to enjoy this past-time have been facilitating a multitude of crimes for decades. Not only have players been wagering on the outcomes of games, the DoJ also presented evidence that the results of such wagers were often paid off in ways that violate, circumvent, and generally make a mockery of the 1961 Wire Fraud Act. While no specific examples were cited in the press release, legal analysts agree this is more than likely since the act is so vaguely worded that asking a non-Government employee if they have a postage stamp to sell could result in a three billion dollar fine and twenty-five years in prison.
Golf enthusiasts are baffled by these developments.
"I thought this was the Land of the Free!" observed Felix Baknein. "How am I threatening national security by wandering around in awful pants with my clubs?"
We posed this question to the DoJ.
"Freedom?" replied a spokesperson. "Freedom doesn't come under our jurisdiction. You should talk to... hmmm... Actually that's not really a federal matter at all. Ask the ACLU."
Monday, April 18, 2011
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