Mercedes. Toto Wolff has a moment of clarity on the way to Melbourne. Realizing he has exhausted all challenges in F1 he becomes a Mormon and marries Carmen Jorda and Tatiana Calderon. Smoke emanating from the Mercedes garage fuels rumors they are trying to reproduce the new Ferrari engine mode until it is traced to Susie Wolff "throwing a wee wobbly."
Ferrari. Ted Kravitz conducts a freewheeling interview with Maurizio Arrivabene in which he suggests the Ferrari smoke is designed to obscure self-stabbing voodoo dolls of Adrian Newey installed under the revolutionary side-pods. On race day a mumbling Kravitz comes to a complete halt in the middle of pit lane from where he is taken to the medical center and diagnosed with ketamine poisoning.
Red Bull. Due to an alleged blueprint mix-up in Adrian Newey's office, Verstappen's side of the garage contains an RB14 whereas Ricciardo's unexpectedly has a 1/10th scale model of a catamaran. When asked by Craig Slater if this may suggest some preference for Verstappen within the team, Ricciardo breaks Slater's nose thereby winning the 2018 Smash a Scot in the Face award sponsored by the England national rugby team.
Force India. The rumors swirling in Barcelona about a team buy-out intensify when the pink panther emerges from the garage with the legend "Force Liz" and a crown logo in a bold royal blue. The Daily Mail reports that HRH QEII bought the team at twice true value in order to have India's support in the Commonwealth Council for the accession of Prince Charles to the position of the Head of the Commonwealth. The story is widely ridiculed but turns out to be the only thing the Daily Mail has got right about F1 in the hybrid era.
Williams. Early signs that the FW41 is less than competitive appear to be confirmed when neither Frank nor Claire Williams travel to Australia, both citing "previous commitments." Nevertheless, the team continues in the tradition of a family member sitting on pit wall when they introduce Arthur Higgenbottom, a third cousin once removed previously employed as a Barnsley pipe-fitter.
Renault. Sainz and Hulkenberg are seen trading punches in the back of the garage sparking rumors of internal conflict over who gets new development parts. Rachel Brookes tweets "the boys were fighting over me." Federica Masolin subtweets "Nei tuoi sogni, culo grasso," and immediately receives a lifetime achievement award from La Gazetta dello Sport.
Torro Rosso. The FIA convenes a special meeting to discuss whether STR mechanics and other personnel have brought the sport into disrepute by pointing and laughing whenever they see anyone wearing McLaren team gear. Honda awards performance bonuses to all STR employees at the track.
Haas. Gene Haas uses the team principal press conference to announce the opening of his new chin. Asked by Dieter Rencken if the dearth of sponsorship on the VF-18 indicates a lack of commitment to F1, Haas picks up his phone, buys Autosport and F1 Fanatic and fires Rencken from both. Haas then buys Youngstown, OH.
McLaren. At the same press conference, Eric Boullier asserts that the MCL33 will be competing for podiums as soon as priests have removed the demons from the R.E.18 power unit. After several probing follow-up questions from new Torquay Gazette columnist Will Buxton, Boullier denies that he is Eric Boullier.
Sauber. In a unique display of team unity, possibly spurred by Calderon's marriage to Wolff, Ericsson and Leclerc marry each other between FP1 and FP2. An NBC exclusive links smoke billowing from the Alfa-badged Ferrari power unit to the sudden death of a childhood friend of the Pope.
Friday, March 9, 2018
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