Saturday, February 2, 2013

2013 Formula 1 Predictions

Red Bull. To enhance aerodynamic efficiency, Newey replaces mini-KERS with four AAA batteries. Webber's inexplicably fail. Marko issues statement claiming problem a result of Webber being "too Australian" and is later discovered with boomerang lodged between shoulder blades. Scandal nearly wipes smug grin off Horner's face.

Ferrari. Luca di Montezemelo petitions FIA for reduction in number of tires allocated for each race. F1 community puzzled until Adam Cooper finally gets a story right, reporting Ferrari needs more space for Alonso's new throne. Massa spends summer break in Australia learning to throw boomerang.

McLaren. Out-qualified 10-0 by Perez, Button quits team mid-season to pursue musical career. "I've got no front grip," tops Billboard and iTunes charts, sparking "Whine Rock" revolution. Ron Dennis demotes Whitmarsh to assistant gravel washer.

Lotus. Kimi arrives in Melbourne seventeen minutes before FP1 wearing battered Napoleon hat on top of traffic cone. When quizzed by Will Buxton, replies: "YeahwellyouknowIwassomewhereorotherandthisandthatleavemealoneIcollectwalnuts." Grosjean relieved to have attention drawn away from new Buddy Holly spectacles.

Mercedes. Pre-season additions to technical team include Flavio Briatore, Eddie Jordan, Murray Walker, AJ Foyt, Harry Redknapp, Vladimir Putin, and Beyonce. Hamilton denies rumors of talks with Sauber, Force India and Caterham. Autosport posts video of Lauda dressed as Napoleon minus the hat being spanked by Max Mosley's hookers.

Sauber. Monisha Kaltenborn hailed as first woman in F1 to be Monisha Kaltenborn. Adam Cooper refuses to mention her on grounds he cannot spell her name. Hulkenberg admits he cannot spell Esteban Gutierrez's name. Gutierrez admits he has a shitload of money.

Force India. In an attempt to calm fears team is facing severe financial problems, Vijay Mallya hides behind cardboard cut-out of himself at all official functions.

Williams. Team narrowly survives attempt by Mercedes to hire entire technical, catering and laundry departments. Adam Cooper notches up 29th season as a fuckwit firmly believing Pastor Maldonado is a clergyman.

Torro Rosso. STR8 breaks new ground with inclusion of proximity detectors. FIA scrutineers determine detectors linked to brakes and steering and take car swiftly off racing line when approached from behind by a Red Bull.

Caterham/Marussia. Assimilated by Mercedes Borg collective.