Tuesday, August 19, 2014


When I first moved the Land of the Free I had to answer a lot of questions. See there's this visa form, where they try to trick you. The most cunning question is: "Do you plan to overthrow the government of the United States by force?"

Understand this is one of those small forms. There were boxes to check.

A checked box did not offer the option: "I approve of this sentiment."

It didn't offer: "Damn skippy!"

It gave me:




I checked "NO."

My plan has always been to accomplish the task with flowers.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Leaving Again

I don't know if you heard
But that's the girl
Who's always leaving again
I find it so absurd
But that's her way
She's always leaving again

And she says:
"Keith, don't take it personally."
But what else can I think
When it's me she's leaving?

And she says:
"Stop! Why must you make me cry?
I found love a hundred times
It's a lie."

But I can't believe you're that cynical
You're not that clinical
Although I'd like to dress you up as a nurse
Of course

If life's that bad why get out of bed?
Sara, don't shake your head
You still fix your lipstick
When you see me

I don't know if you heard
But that's the girl
Who's always leaving again
I find it so absurd
But that's her way
She's always leaving again

Saturday, March 1, 2014

F1 2014 Predictions

Red Bull.

Massive quantities of K-Y Jelly delivered to Milton Keynes spark rumors of something "not quite British" going on, until it is revealed substance serves dual role of easing ERS and Ricciardo's ass into RB10. An exasperated Adrian Newey writes to FIA protesting McLaren's rear suspension, the Lotus nose, Ferrari's engine, and the ongoing and unnecessary presence of drivers in F1. Sid Watkins comes out of retirement to certify Helmut Marko undead.


Statistician Sean Kelly stuns the F1 world with a multivariate analysis of Hamilton's results. Five-sigma correlation between WDC points scored and scoring with Nicole Scherzinger leaps out of data like Vettel escaping an electrified and stationary RB10. Result prompts Lewis to "mend fences" with the former Pussycat Doll and Walmart manikin, but reconciliation thwarted when Roscoe pees on Nicole's daily branflake. Incident inspires Pussycat Dolls to reform. New tour delayed until December after it is revealed Ashley Roberts and Nico Rosberg are the same person.


Leaked internal Maranello memos reveal Luca di Montezemolo's prohibition on any mention of wind tunnel calibration and an invoice for nineteen wide-screen plasma TVs. Horse Whisperer refuses to deny reports massive sensor array stretching from Milan to Messina is tuned to detect any movement made by Ross Brawn. 


Revolutionary tuning-fork nose found to resonate at exact frequency of death rattle of a bankrupt F1 team. In the wake of team folding, Maldonado and Grosjean pursue careers in resurgent TV series "Battlebots." 


Despite awesome power and reliability of Mercedes PU, MP4-29 proves mediocre. Shortcomings eventually attributed to technical limitations of Woking-area photo-copying outlets. Magnussen's ability to reproduce lap-times to within one thousandth of a second amazes paddock until Ron Dennis's e-mail account is hacked and references to "MagBot 2.0" discovered. McLaren's second driver still unable to find front grip.

Force India.

Team consistently late for FP1 due to "taking the long way round" to avoid arrest warrants. As financial strain ceases all car development, team-hopping Nico Hulkenberg asked by President Obama not to participate in COTA race on the grounds it might trigger another recession.


First four races marred by bizarre pit-stops, largely because all but three drivers on the grid have driven, are driving, or will drive for the team. Legal battle erupts with Force India over royalties deriving from new "Ger-Mex" cuisine fad. Both teams sued by Pfizer citing topical ointment "Germ-Ex" patent infringement. 

Torro Rosso.

Vergne and Kvyat repeatedly stop on track with no apparent mechanical problem. The mystery persists until June when Renault technician spills les haricots: Marko will "convert" any STR driver who finishes ahead of the RB10. 


Punters are surprised by SkyBet's opening line of 33/1 for WCC until it is discovered the price is for Claire Williams in the 2014 Grand National. Monisha Kaltenborn seen in the paddock wearing huge smile and "Who's pretty now, bitch?" T-shirt. 


Team dominates Renault-powered runners until May when Marko sinks his teeth into it. Green livery gradually fades to a sickly purple.


Bianchi continues to impress while Max Chilton's interviews increasingly appear to be an audition for presenter of Blue Peter.