Friday, April 10, 2009

Small Sue's Pet Raccoon

In addition to playing poker I am also a moderator at a poker forum. The duties are minimal. Occasionally I use my powers to ban someone for threatening to kill another forum member or for posting naked pictures of my step sister. Other than that my main role is to assist new members in finding their way around the site and to provide input on poker theory.

A new member signed up today. "Small Sue." She claims to be from Arkansas and 4'7" tall which certainly qualifies as small. It is of course quite possible that she is lying. I am sure I am not the only one who has carried out a long and flirtatious cyber-relationship only to discover that Anna-the-exotic-dancer from Newport is actually Sully-the-lobster-fisherman from Bangor. However, someone claiming to be extremely short didn't strike me as a security threat to the forum so I approved her request to join.

A couple of hours later the conversation appended below occurred in the forum shoutbox. I have left the original text unedited since I think it is necessary to fully appreciate the episode and apologize if this makes the conversation difficult to follow in places. I don't know if Small Sue is severely dyslexic, typing whilst wearing mittens, or simply lacking in a formal education. I do not judge, I merely reproduce the text below.

Small Sue: hello?

Small Sue: anyon hree?

Small Sue: i gota pitcher

Small Sue: cn smoone hlp?

Feline 9ine: hi sue

Small Sue: i gt a picrur

Small Sue: i wanna pos tit

Feline 9ine: that's fine we have a board for pictures - go to 'Lounge' then 'The Real Me'

Small Sue: it aint of me ist f risky

Small Sue: ricy

Small Sue: ricky

Feline 9ine: our software won't mind you can go ahead and post it

Small Sue: his mty racoon

Small Sue: pet

Small Sue: how od i post a pitchr?

Feline 9ine: click 'New Topic' then when the composition box comes up click 'additional options.' then follow the instructions for uploads

Small Sue: ths is cunfusrng

Feline 9ine: okay this picture of risky is on your puter, yeah?

Small Sue: is nmae is ricky

Feline 9ine: my sincere apologies, ricky

Small Sue: so how do ip ost it? im not grate wth cumptures

Count Stackula: hey 9ine can you tran me 3 bills at Stars for Tilt dollas?

Feline 9ine: sure

Count Stackula: no rush u can take care of this raccoon issue first - thx m8

Feline 9ine: np, gl

Small Sue: [pl[53

Small Sue: qwewrfas

Small Sue: ,.

Feline 9ine: sue?

Small Sue: helol

Feline 9ine: ricky get on your keyboard?

Small Sue: no it fall on th thing nd we had to relaees ricky e got rael frsky chewd joes pole and riggl

Small Sue: but he wulds dyed withuot us th tree he was in com down nd is momma and the othre babies dyed so i nerly calld im lukcy but as ym sis says it aint rela lucky when yur famly all dyes in a axcident

Feline 9ine: is there anyone there who helps you with the puter?

Small Sue: yeh my husbnd joe

Feline 9ine: ok why don't you get joe and i'll explain the upload to him

Small Sue: his in iduhoe

Feline 9ine: Idaho?

Small Sue: yeah idaho sry iam so so allurtrat it aint funyn

Feline 9ine: i beg to differ but let's not lose sight of your raccoon - i have a plan B

Small Sue: his a turcker joe is taht is why he aint hear his in idaho

Small Sue: big 17-weeler

Small Sue: q8

Small Sue: 18

Feline 9ine: sue do you know how to use e-mail?

Small Sue: yeh im not sutpid

Feline 9ine: i didn't mean to imply - look - just e-mail it to me at feline9ine@sunmail i'll handle it from there

Small Sue: who do i do taht?

Feline 9ine: ok compose a e/m to me, then do you see a little paper clip above the place where you type?

Small Sue: yeh

Feline 9ine: click that then it'll ask you what you wanna upload and you choose the picture

At this juncture there was a ten minute pause during which time several
IM boxes on my computer popped up with forum members inquiring whether this was an elaborate hoax. Then the picture of Ricky Raccoon arrived. While there are raccoons living in my neighborhood I've never seen one up close and have always had a cartoon image of them. A sort of cross between a panda and a kitten. The reality took me by surprise.

Small Sue: i thnik i done it

Small Sue: did yu gte it?

Feline 9ine: success!

Small Sue: THANK U ! wear is it on teh frum?

Feline 9ine: just a sec, uploading now

Feline 9ine: okay sue go to the 'The Real Me' board you were at before and you'll see a new link

Feline 9ine: i've titled it 'Small Sue's Raccoon'

Feline 9ine: i guess we should be thankful that you didn't rescue a beaver

1 comment:

  1. Bwahahahahhaahahhah! This is a great story. You have the patience of Job on steroids.