Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Excerpts from The Sunday Swish I: The Genesis Of Omaha

Many of you will be aware that The Swish was recently given exclusive access to the Dead Draw Scrolls that were discovered in a grain silo in Nebraska in 1986. Our main task at this time is to translate The Book of the Holy Quaternity. Members of TSS/Omaha Division have been immersed in this sacred text for weeks like mudskippers that have totally miscalculated the rate of tidal influx in a mangrove swamp. It is anticipated that a complete translation may take several years since the Scrolls include the lengthy gospels of Saints Ciaffone, Cappelletti, Zee and Hwang. However, we are in a position to provide a preliminary translation of a few verses from the preamble to this work which we hope will be enlightening to our readers.

The Book of the Holy Quaternity (Trans. TSS/OD (c) 2009)

1. In the beginning the number was Two and the possibilities were flat and without form.

2. Our Lord Pogos [1] looked down upon the felt and saw that it was not good.

3. For man did mucketh about with The Two interminably and often blindly like the beasts of the field when the weather shifteth unexpectedly from warm and sunny to dense fog.

4. And angered by the monotonous regularity of the stealing of the blinds from late position Pogos did unleash upon the felt two plagues. [2]

5. Thus man did experience suck-outs that runner runnereth straights and flushes for seven years till they were coming out the wazoo.

6. Then followed seven years of eighty-twenties going tits up on the flop except when the shekels got in on the turn in which case the underpair would spiketh the set on the river.

7. And there was a wailing and a gnashing of teeth and laptops flying through windows like that dove with the twig when it raineth a great deal.

8. But through these plagues man continued in the ways displeasing to Pogos.

9. And Lord Pogos said: for fucketh sake, I thought I buggered up the game when I invented the draweth of the five but this is the stone cold pitzorz.

10. Thus Our Lord frowned upon The Two and since both did lacketh a spare rib said: presto!

11. And The Two became The Four.

12. YaY!

[1] Due to the lack of vowels in ancient Nebraskan the original is simply "PGs." The translation "Pogos" strikes us as easy to pronounce and pleasantly punk.

[2] It has been suggested that we may be missing a few plagues here since two falls far short of the constant misery inflicted by deities of other faiths.


  1. ***ROTFL***

    My life has been depressingly mudskipper-free for many years...

  2. LOL...and I also liked the mudskippers ref...they're like my favorite animal.
    Oh and was this inspired by the LOLcat Bible?